The Names Girls Give Men They’re Sleeping With are Ridiculous

I was talking to a friend this week about the guy she has recently started seeing and I realised we both only referred to him as ‘FIFO Guy’ for the entire conversation. To be honest with you, I don’t even think she told me his real name.

If you think that’s weird; you’re wrong.

Everyone knows real names are reserved for guys you know for sure you want to date/it could be something more serious than the current shit show that the start of seeing someone always is.

You can’t go telling your close friends all the dumb shit that the guy you’re seeing is saying or doing with his real name attached to it. What if he stops being an idiot and you start seeing him for real? Or he remains an idiot but you decide you can’t do any better and you’ve been single for too long so you’ll just make it official anyway? That’s asking too much of your friends to expect them to forget that shit and act normal around them.

But, if they associate old mate’s weird bedroom antics or the fact he can’t spell with a dude called ‘Big Dick Rick’ and then you introduce him down the track as ‘Angus’ that’s way easier for everyone. We can all pretend they don’t know anything about Angus’ absurd dirty talk that is equal parts hilarious and terrifying and zero parts sexy; or his inability to understand the different uses of ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’.

That’s just basic psychology. (I’m guessing.)

So, to amuse myself this week I wrote down all the names (I could remember) that myself and my friends’ have used to describe dudes we’ve seen in the past.

They are straight up ridiculous.

Doctor Dan

Ugly Fireman

Trained Killer

The Hippy

The Potato

The Neighbour

The Irishman

The Stoner Doctor

The Farmer

The Cowboy

Superstar

Hollywood

The Pretty Idiot

Dumb AJ (army jerk)

Hot AJ

Private School Pat

Mentally Unhinged Harry

The Sheik

I know this isn’t a phenomenon that is reserved for women only but based on the guy friends I’ve spoken to our names are way more creative and amusing. ‘Bit Tits from The Normandy’ – descriptive yes, but you can do better boys.