We’re freaking back baby!
I know everyone is excited for the return of the Bachelor but let me tell you there has never been a more perfect mix of things I enjoy than trashy reality TV and professional athletes – I could not be more excited.
Firstly nothing has ever hit me to my core more sharply than his Dad ‘s advice – “There’s nothing you can’t get through if you hit it with pace.” Woah. Wise.
Straight down to Business. The ladies.
Shannon: The bogan painter with a slammin’ body and a penchant for multiple adjectives in every sentence. Quick question Shan – you unemployed or what? Casual painter who skates during the day…mostly on Thursday down to the local Centrelink office?
*Edit: Shan is on that Car Care Consultant corporate high flyer track.
Brooke: As a girl who genuinely loves sport a fair bit more than the average girl I wanted to like Brooke. I didn’t. Guarantee her ‘love’ for sport extends to a few super cute Roosters jerseys and a collection of dick pics from West Coast players. Boo.
Brittany (call me Britt): “I’m from a town called Port Macquarie. Have you heard of it?” Sorry, what? Spend three years travelling the world and forgot what a small town is Britt? Pull your head in.
Kayla: Pumped she got to re-wear her electric blue sateen toga from the O week party she attended with her friend at Griffith Uni back in 2009. As an Energy Healer recycling is a top priority. I want to talk shit about the giant rose quartz but honestly, I’m too distracted by her subtle ‘day of the dead’ inspired bronzer application to think about anything else.
Cat: To be clear, relocating to Bali to run your ‘fashion business’ from a co-working space with good wifi and non-existent labour laws doesn’t mean you’re “from Bali” darl. You’re clearly from the nice part of Brisbane. Aside from that, I like her vibe – seems like she’ll be cutting and funny. I’m in. #jewelleryplug
Something about plates
Something about birthday cake
Something about glitter
Sophie: Brand ambassador for BCF
Cass: Yes. This is the drama I came here for.
Producer: Has anything romantic ever happened between the two of you?
Cass: “um…*”
*I mean if giving him a BJ in a damp porta potty at the Manly Marlins Ladies Day is romantic than yeah, I guess you could say something romantic has happened between the two of us.
Also, Nick’s explanation of “The timing wasn’t right. She was doing her thing and I was doing mine” is the MOST hilarious guy talk bullshit ever. So vague, so stupid. Loved it.
Da(r)sha: I worked with this chick as an influencer for an Adelaide event a few years ago. Had I known. she did circus tricks I would have paid her more. Missed opportunity there Dash.
Vanessa Sunshine: Love a girl who says in dating you “gotta leave them wanting more” when rocking the always classy sheer material, plunging neckline and alarmingly high vagina split dress combo. She’s not here to make friends but she’s already lost because I am ALL IN on Vanessa Sunshine.
Everyone is here. Let the cocktail party shit show commence.
Osher walks in and to be honest I’m pissed that no one is more drunk yet.
Good news though because Osher is here to spice things up with the introduction of a tacky, heart shaped box containing a key, that for one lucky lady, unlocks two very exciting doors. Firstly, to a room where she can chuck it up on national television and then to a treasure trove of anxiety and self-loathing.
Cat hates Sophie because they’ve slept with the same bloke. Cat is fundamentally confused about what show she is on.
Turns out Kayla actually IS an Energy Healer. And jeeeez is she working overtime to heal the boring as shit energy at that cocktail party with her weirdo drunken behaviour. Give her a rose.
Nick calls Brooke a “little rhinoceros beetle” and I don’t think he knows how to compliment a woman. But it’s fine because Brooke doesn’t know what a joke is so they’re equally off the mark tonight.
Cass and her rank hair extensions finally get their moment alone with Nick. And coincidentally Nick finally gets a moment to start making a mental list of all the ways he would happily kill himself.
Blair: First thought is what profound and meaningful saying does the tattoo on her rib say and why hasn’t he asked her what she’s been up to since Scandal’us broke up in 2002? #RachelfromFriendshairgoals.
Brooke is the lucky recipient of the Bachelor Pad key I have three main take-aways:
- Cass is totally fine
- Honestly, Cass could not be less phased
- Cass’ hair extensions might be frazzled but she certainly is not
Finally it’s the Rose Ceremony and I’m exhausted and don’t really recall what happened except that a few girls we’ve never even seen before get sent home and Vanessa Sunshine is SHOOK to be left to the last two. Love that play from Nick; 2 hours ago Vanessa Sunshine was all “leave them wanting more” and one almost rejection later and we can all look forward to watching her follow him around like a puppy for the next few episodes. It’s a comfort to know other girls are equally predictable.
The. End.
Final Thought: can we all just give a huge round of applause for the flawlessly narrated play by play from Alisha the entire episode. 100% here for the drama and nothing else. Love it.
Probably Not a Thing 