Probably Not a Thing

Via The Guardian (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2016/dec/08/orangutan-stuns-zookeepers-by-becoming-pregnant-while-on-the-pill)

This sneaky bitch…

A 34 year old single gal ‘accidentally’ falls pregnant while she’s ‘on the pill’ and no one raises an eyebrow? Seems a little convenient to me.

A girl who has been unlucky in love for too long silences the deafening tick of her biological clock and gets her man to commit by trapping the unsuspecting bloke with a ‘shock’ pregnancy.  It’s a tale as old as time.

I understand that Karta has built quite a nice life for herself over the past 34 years and will undoubtedly have the help of nannies zoo keepers to raise this baby and that’s great but has anyone stopped to ask the male if he wants this kid? Is he ready for that?

I just honestly feel bad for the bloke. Thinks he is just having a bit of a fun with an older lady who is obviously mature enough to be trusted to take her birth control correctly and WHAM he goes and gets smacked with a ‘surprise’ pregnancy…and just in time for Christmas.

Merry Christmas ya chump.

So I guess the sports psychologist (that Tennis Australia ordered after his absolute meltdown at the Shanghai Masters) is making a massive difference to Nick’s general attitude then yeah?

All around nice guy and Australia’s favourite son calling out Tennis Australia about his lack of nomination for the Newcombe medal on twitter (via The Kokk) is just so good.

The only thing that would have made this better is if Ajla Tomljanovic posted “Hey Tennis Australia I thought only I was allowed to fuck Nick Kyrios?” Kate Upton style. That would have been all time.

The bloke gives absolutely no fucks and is undisputedly a giant douchebag but he’s so unapologetic about that it’s honestly hard to hate.

Get ’em next year buddy!

For a couple of months now I’ve been dealing with something behind the scenes that most of the people in my life know nothing about.

I haven’t really spoken about it openly but it’s been slowly chipping away at my will to live.

It’s a lemon tree that was forced on me when I moved into my house in August.

Side note: I hate gardening, and I hate people who like it. If you’re under 65 and enjoy gardening, you’re a loser. Fact.

So anyway, I inherited this lemon tree when I moved into my house because my landlord left it there and made me promise to look after it (full disclosure my landlord is my brother.) In hindsight I should have copped the extra $10 of rent a week and refused to accept it as part of my lease agreement. Hindsight huh?

The instructions were clear – water the lemon tree at least every second day, it needs a ‘lot of love’.

I promptly forgot about the tree about 3 and half minutes after moving in and when my landlord came over 6 weeks later and saw it was on the cusp of death I knew it was about to go down.

What followed was one of the great sibling fights – the kind that transcends time and you forget you’re 26 and 31 and we’re just verbally assaulting the shit out of each other, really getting to the core of your insecurities in the way only siblings can. It ended in tears and me calling Mum…so nothing much has changed in a decade which is kind of nice.

Anyways, I was entirely in the wrong and not only did I have to suffer the torture of apologising to my big brother I also had to try and resurrect his fucking lemon tree.

Flash forward 8 weeks and I have spent almost every day after work watering this tree; my contempt growing stronger with every minute spent staring at it’s dying branches.

These are the types of questions I ask myself while I stand and water: Why couldn’t the tree be more resilient? What kind of bullshit tree species hasn’t evolved to deal with the climate here in Australia? Quick tip, it’s fucking hot here.

The real kicker is that this tree was a wedding gift to my brother and his wife. So I’m essentially spending time everyday trying to nurture a tree that symbolises his (seemingly perfect) marriage while I tick over into year 6 of being single.

The good news, the tree is definitely on the mend and the second it’s back to full strength I’ll be returning it to it’s rightful owners and putting a mini fridge full of diet coke and sav blanc in it’s place.

How good is life? Am I right?!

I read an article a little over a week ago and I honestly haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

It was titled ‘12 Personal Finance Moves You Should Make by Age 30′ and it essentially outlines 12 finance goals that all women should be aiming for/achieving by the time they’re 30. In other words it outlines very clearly just another way that I am seriously failing at ‘adulting’.

Now, I am self-aware enough to know that I am not great with money and never really have been – I make a conscious choice not to check my bank balance from about 10 days before pay day (being paid monthly does NOT help!) and just hope for the best – but this list has put my failing into a whole other realm.

The 12  jokes goals are below:

1. You should already have an emergency fund. Experts generally recommend six months’ worth of living expenses.
   • HAHAHA what?

1. You should be anticipating, preparing, and saving up for big expenditures. For example, you should factor in your wedding, a house, children, a pet, and other similar major expenses.

• I live in Sydney so owning a house is definitely not a thing, my 2 cats live very happy lives with my parents in Towsnville and a wedding in the future is looking pretty unlikely.  I’m going to assume given the above that I can pretty much ignore this one altogether.

3. You should have mastered the art of automating. Sending a chunk of your cash automatically to your savings every month means you’re paying yourself first.
   • Not a huge priority to ‘automate’ the transfer of the $25 a month I have left for savings. Because, I am a mature adult though, (and so I don’t feel like a complete failure) I have subsequently set this up. #killingit

1. You should know how to live within your means but enjoy life at the same time.

• HAHAHA what?

1. You should be regularly keeping an eye on your superannuation

• HAHAHA what?

1. You should have prepared a will.

• I don’t own anything but I agree it is probably important to get my affairs in order. So, here it is: Mum, you can keep the cats and soz lol about never paying you back the full amount for the car.

1. You should be paying off and prioritising your high-interest debt.

• See above, Mum.

1. During your 20s, you should be trying to raise your credit score.

• My Dad had to bail me out of an impending law suit with Video Ezy once because I had an overdue fee that was getting so high they threatened to sue. So, I’ve never checked (I don’t know how) but I’m going to go ahead and assume that my credit score is pretty much impeccable.

1. You should already have some practice with negotiation — with salary, with service providers, and more.

• I have never negotiated anything with anyone and have actually said to service providers on more than one occasion “I don’t actually care what you best offer is, I just want to get off the phone so if you can just punch in whatever and that’ll be sweet with me”. So, safe to say I’m a real shark at the negotiating table.

1. Fidelity recommends having a retirement fund that’s equivalent to your annual salary by age 35. At age 30, you should be on track for that.

• Why do I need to keep an eye on my superannuation and have a retirement fund? Isn’t super THE retirement fund?

1. You should already have read a couple of personal finance books.

• Maybe Popsugar should spend a little less time reading personal finance books and little more time reading simple maths books because that’s only 11 goals and this article says there are 12.

I’ve officially got less than 3.5 years to get my shit together finance wise. I’ll start next month.